Honesty = Respect

In my book, Honesty = Respect**

This is something that I have learned through lying and being lied to for the majority of my life. Like some addicts, I woke up that day and quit cold turkey. I realized that I was tired of doubting what people were telling me all of the time. As in, all of the time. I was at a point in my life where I was not even able to truly trust a single person that came into my life, even myself. I knew that I had a huge issue with lying to others and myself. When the day came that I had realized that I was questioning what my answer would be and wondering how I could twist the truth to make it to where I would be made the victim/ innocent, I knew that I had to quit. Not only quit lying myself but quit allowing those that lie to be a part of my life. There is a culture and a dogmatic lifestyle to lying; what was a white lie and what was not, what was an okay lie and what would a make a horrible one, what level of a lie did one have to reach to be the breaking point and lead to the destruction of the relationship; and, to realize how unhealthy that life is was close to earth shaking?

I was surrounded by many different forms of acceptable lying while I was growing up and also in my late teens, early twenties. When a young child, there is not a clear line of separation of rules from one household, or what have you, to another. Because of this, I carried all of the different forms of lying from situation to situation. In the end, in every situation where I was caught lying in ways that were deemed unacceptable behavior by that given person, I was punished for my actions. When I reached my mid to late teens I had a clear realization that each household had its own acceptable forms of lying. In one household I was taught a level of white lies were what other households would consider boarder line "dark grey/ black." In two others, I was taught how to stretch the truth little by little and/or delete information that was incriminating. In my late teens, early twenties, I was in an environment where members would lie to each other and announce the lies to the, not immediately involved, other members. In almost all households I was shown that a very hurtful lie could be made with some immediate repercussions that were followed by forgiveness after the lair had bribed to a high enough point.

In the end, they all lied. They just did not like it when they were lied to. I can say the same for myself. I lied and I was hurt when I found out that others had lied to me. There came a day for me, which has sadly not happened for the majority of those that I was involved with, that I realized that I did not like being lied to and it is not okay to give treatment that I would not want in return. This is quite a simple concept. Problem is, telling the truth is very difficult and telling a lie is simple. 

After reaching my "cold turkey" day I have done everything that I can to be a just person to myself and through that being a just person with others. Doing this is not even close to being easy in the beginning then after getting into a large number of rough situations and going through a good deal of shame and hurt, it becomes easier, being truthful just happens. Yes, there have been times where I have let my very large ego get into the way and I have not been honest. Going back to correct those wrongs have been difficult for the most part but I am happy that I have corrected my wrong doings. 

Working towards having the lifestyle that I have, I realized that being honest and truthful falls so closely with being respectful that I equate them. If I am being respectful then I am being honest. If I am being honest I am being respectful. 

The level of respect that I was taught by one of my parents was a high one. When entering a house say hello to everyone. While at a friends house the parents are to be spoken to and thanked before playing. What becomes most difficult for me to follow through with at times is that while in another's house there is to be no disrespectful behavoir towards them. This has been difficult for me because there have been a number of times that I have, in more or less words, been attacked or put down verbally by these people. A person acting in this way and my response of sitting in silence is, in most cases, equal to agreeing with them. By doing this I have been very misunderstood and thus lumped in with the views of others that I in no way agree with. Not objecting to their assumptions results in me not being honest with who I am and my level of beliefs. To avoid these situations, until I become a stronger person, I do not associate with these people inside of their homes and in cases even outside. 

Avoiding these situations has helped me in ways because I am not subjecting myself to being disrespected or thought to believe things that are not my beliefs. Doing so has resulted in very awkward situations and distancing myself from people that my loved ones care about. The distancing has resulted in confrontation between my loved ones and me and thus hurting our relationships. I can understand their relationship with others and I respect their decisions to have these relationships; the latter was very difficult to do for a good bit of time; I also believe that I deserve such a level of respect for my decisions from others, unfortunately this does not happen very often. 

It is still difficult for me to understand that I cannot expect others to understand why I am trying to live my life this way and to attempt to "convert" them to do the same. I am trying to realize that I can only tell them my beliefs on the matter. Hoping for them to accept this form of dogma, as could be said, is not right for me to do. Although, if I am continuously lied to/ disrespected I begin to distance myself from the person. I cannot change others. I can only change myself. Making these separations from different relationships is very difficult at times but it is worth it for me. 

So now, I am married and through this relationship I come into contact with people that I have a very difficult time being around. When it comes to relationships that I have personally, not directly involving my husband, I have the option to quit/ distance myself. The different relationships that my husband has I do not have the option to quit or interfere in (he may be dropping out of his hair after reading that bit). I have only realized this bit in the last few weeks. This has also been difficult for me to handle because if someone is acting in a rude way or encouraging disrespectful behavior I cannot just quit them from my life. Ah, and this is where I feel that spouses should be supportive of each other. In my case, I want him to support me and he wants me to support him. Fine and dandy. We strongly disagree what behavior should result in leaving a friendship or not associating with an acquaintance. So is life. We are both so young with so much to learn. Learning to accept that I can only change myself will be a lesson that will take a good bit of time I am thinking!

** edit: Honesty can be had without Respect but there can be no Respect without Honesty **

I got off of my intended tangent. So, back on... It is possible to be honest with a person and not be respectful towards them. Not being honest will result in someone being hurt somewhere down the line and thus does not result in respect. 

I have so much to learn. I hope that I have enough time to get through half of it!