Breeeeath

I have been going through, yet again, a very difficult time in my life. These difficult times seem as thought they are coming one after another. I need to remind myself that I have control over the situations that I am in, at least in the manner of if I stay in the situation or not. I cannot control what other people do to me. Oh, that is something that I get quite angry with, actually. I would like to have that control but I do not and cannot. 

I, I, I, have to breath and relax and just let my world either crash around me or do something about it. The thing is, I just want to run away from my issues. I also want to stay with the issues that are around me because I do not want to give up or feel that I did not put everything into what I had/ have. Doing this, I feel, has made me break down nearly completely and go from so angry to happy then to very hurt to just simply wanting to feel nothing because that seems better than feeling anything. 

If any of my friends or family were to tell me these things I would tell them that they needed to get out and leave that situation. Why and I not doing this? I feel that I need to prove to myself that I can stick something through. This very well may be a thing that I am able to stick through and thirty years down the road I live in regret of not leaving. 

Maybe if I got any sort of support in my decisions before then I would not feel like I have to prove anything. Nothing to others and nothing to myself. I went out onto a huge ledge that pretty much everyone told me not to go near and I jumped. I jumped without looking back or even ahead enough to see if there was a parking lot or a bed of pillows under me. I just jumped. 

I still cannot see what it is that is ahead of me. I cannot see anything, really. I do not know if I want to even be able to actually see anything. I feel that I am failing myself in my quest of inner independence and I am grasping at any helping hand begging them to find my answer. I very well may be just sitting here in this abyss waiting for some "god" to come and make everything better and okay.