Being Back

Three weeks can seem to be almost three years. The amount I can change in that short amount of time, that it actually is, astonishes me. I am actually happy with these changes. I accept them and welcome them. Mixing these changes in with my life away from home was quite easy. Doing so at home has not been the same. I am having a difficult time being around some of the people that I once felt comfortable around. The connection and conversation has changed. What I am trying to remember is that, although they may have ahd their changes also, I have been the one who has drastically changed. I can, but should not, expect others to know how I have changed, understand these changes, and follow my path. I am working on reminding myself that I would not like it so much if the same was asked of me.

So, the last short two weeks that I have been home feel like they have lasted so much longer than the time that I was away.

Now, sitting here, on a Friday night, I am writing on my blog and trying to void myself from the stress of the many thoughts that are on my head. Trying to remind myself that running is something that I have wanted to change so much and it is something that I cannot let myself fall back into. I need to go and see this person that I need to see. I need to have that conversation. I need to not let them talk to me or my family that way. I need to be honest and straight with them. I need to tell them how their actions have taken a toll on my emotions and the trust that I have with them. All of these things and more need to be done. One of them needs to have happened already or I may not have the chance.

In short, being back has been a punch to muscle. I am hurting and it has been difficult to get back to where I was but dang, I am happy that I built up that muscle while I was gone!

Breeeeath

I have been going through, yet again, a very difficult time in my life. These difficult times seem as thought they are coming one after another. I need to remind myself that I have control over the situations that I am in, at least in the manner of if I stay in the situation or not. I cannot control what other people do to me. Oh, that is something that I get quite angry with, actually. I would like to have that control but I do not and cannot. 

I, I, I, have to breath and relax and just let my world either crash around me or do something about it. The thing is, I just want to run away from my issues. I also want to stay with the issues that are around me because I do not want to give up or feel that I did not put everything into what I had/ have. Doing this, I feel, has made me break down nearly completely and go from so angry to happy then to very hurt to just simply wanting to feel nothing because that seems better than feeling anything. 

If any of my friends or family were to tell me these things I would tell them that they needed to get out and leave that situation. Why and I not doing this? I feel that I need to prove to myself that I can stick something through. This very well may be a thing that I am able to stick through and thirty years down the road I live in regret of not leaving. 

Maybe if I got any sort of support in my decisions before then I would not feel like I have to prove anything. Nothing to others and nothing to myself. I went out onto a huge ledge that pretty much everyone told me not to go near and I jumped. I jumped without looking back or even ahead enough to see if there was a parking lot or a bed of pillows under me. I just jumped. 

I still cannot see what it is that is ahead of me. I cannot see anything, really. I do not know if I want to even be able to actually see anything. I feel that I am failing myself in my quest of inner independence and I am grasping at any helping hand begging them to find my answer. I very well may be just sitting here in this abyss waiting for some "god" to come and make everything better and okay.

"IT" is not always difficult

For the past two months I have been in a mode of "everything is so difficult." The thing is, not it is not!

I am so capable of doing this and everything else. I may need help from time to time but I have the inner strength to accomplish the things that I strive for. I really have no clue right now what those things are but I know that when I find something I will be able to succeed!

Honesty = Respect

In my book, Honesty = Respect**

This is something that I have learned through lying and being lied to for the majority of my life. Like some addicts, I woke up that day and quit cold turkey. I realized that I was tired of doubting what people were telling me all of the time. As in, all of the time. I was at a point in my life where I was not even able to truly trust a single person that came into my life, even myself. I knew that I had a huge issue with lying to others and myself. When the day came that I had realized that I was questioning what my answer would be and wondering how I could twist the truth to make it to where I would be made the victim/ innocent, I knew that I had to quit. Not only quit lying myself but quit allowing those that lie to be a part of my life. There is a culture and a dogmatic lifestyle to lying; what was a white lie and what was not, what was an okay lie and what would a make a horrible one, what level of a lie did one have to reach to be the breaking point and lead to the destruction of the relationship; and, to realize how unhealthy that life is was close to earth shaking?

I was surrounded by many different forms of acceptable lying while I was growing up and also in my late teens, early twenties. When a young child, there is not a clear line of separation of rules from one household, or what have you, to another. Because of this, I carried all of the different forms of lying from situation to situation. In the end, in every situation where I was caught lying in ways that were deemed unacceptable behavior by that given person, I was punished for my actions. When I reached my mid to late teens I had a clear realization that each household had its own acceptable forms of lying. In one household I was taught a level of white lies were what other households would consider boarder line "dark grey/ black." In two others, I was taught how to stretch the truth little by little and/or delete information that was incriminating. In my late teens, early twenties, I was in an environment where members would lie to each other and announce the lies to the, not immediately involved, other members. In almost all households I was shown that a very hurtful lie could be made with some immediate repercussions that were followed by forgiveness after the lair had bribed to a high enough point.

In the end, they all lied. They just did not like it when they were lied to. I can say the same for myself. I lied and I was hurt when I found out that others had lied to me. There came a day for me, which has sadly not happened for the majority of those that I was involved with, that I realized that I did not like being lied to and it is not okay to give treatment that I would not want in return. This is quite a simple concept. Problem is, telling the truth is very difficult and telling a lie is simple. 

After reaching my "cold turkey" day I have done everything that I can to be a just person to myself and through that being a just person with others. Doing this is not even close to being easy in the beginning then after getting into a large number of rough situations and going through a good deal of shame and hurt, it becomes easier, being truthful just happens. Yes, there have been times where I have let my very large ego get into the way and I have not been honest. Going back to correct those wrongs have been difficult for the most part but I am happy that I have corrected my wrong doings. 

Working towards having the lifestyle that I have, I realized that being honest and truthful falls so closely with being respectful that I equate them. If I am being respectful then I am being honest. If I am being honest I am being respectful. 

The level of respect that I was taught by one of my parents was a high one. When entering a house say hello to everyone. While at a friends house the parents are to be spoken to and thanked before playing. What becomes most difficult for me to follow through with at times is that while in another's house there is to be no disrespectful behavoir towards them. This has been difficult for me because there have been a number of times that I have, in more or less words, been attacked or put down verbally by these people. A person acting in this way and my response of sitting in silence is, in most cases, equal to agreeing with them. By doing this I have been very misunderstood and thus lumped in with the views of others that I in no way agree with. Not objecting to their assumptions results in me not being honest with who I am and my level of beliefs. To avoid these situations, until I become a stronger person, I do not associate with these people inside of their homes and in cases even outside. 

Avoiding these situations has helped me in ways because I am not subjecting myself to being disrespected or thought to believe things that are not my beliefs. Doing so has resulted in very awkward situations and distancing myself from people that my loved ones care about. The distancing has resulted in confrontation between my loved ones and me and thus hurting our relationships. I can understand their relationship with others and I respect their decisions to have these relationships; the latter was very difficult to do for a good bit of time; I also believe that I deserve such a level of respect for my decisions from others, unfortunately this does not happen very often. 

It is still difficult for me to understand that I cannot expect others to understand why I am trying to live my life this way and to attempt to "convert" them to do the same. I am trying to realize that I can only tell them my beliefs on the matter. Hoping for them to accept this form of dogma, as could be said, is not right for me to do. Although, if I am continuously lied to/ disrespected I begin to distance myself from the person. I cannot change others. I can only change myself. Making these separations from different relationships is very difficult at times but it is worth it for me. 

So now, I am married and through this relationship I come into contact with people that I have a very difficult time being around. When it comes to relationships that I have personally, not directly involving my husband, I have the option to quit/ distance myself. The different relationships that my husband has I do not have the option to quit or interfere in (he may be dropping out of his hair after reading that bit). I have only realized this bit in the last few weeks. This has also been difficult for me to handle because if someone is acting in a rude way or encouraging disrespectful behavior I cannot just quit them from my life. Ah, and this is where I feel that spouses should be supportive of each other. In my case, I want him to support me and he wants me to support him. Fine and dandy. We strongly disagree what behavior should result in leaving a friendship or not associating with an acquaintance. So is life. We are both so young with so much to learn. Learning to accept that I can only change myself will be a lesson that will take a good bit of time I am thinking!

** edit: Honesty can be had without Respect but there can be no Respect without Honesty **

I got off of my intended tangent. So, back on... It is possible to be honest with a person and not be respectful towards them. Not being honest will result in someone being hurt somewhere down the line and thus does not result in respect. 

I have so much to learn. I hope that I have enough time to get through half of it!

I will, at some point; choose, that is

I am finding that the times when I have the most difficulty controlling my emotions are when I am feeling very hurt. To be able to admit to being hurt is a very large dino jump for me so this is very good. My response to the hurt is one that I am going to have to be very sure to stay diligent about. Going into situations that I am unsure about, I have enough confidence in myself that I will be able to say no when the time comes, but I also want some form of control over what I allow.


As said in Duplicity the male lead says "get over it" and the female lead replies "well guess what, I am already there."


I would like to believe that I am able to say those words but unfortunately, as I first began working on being a more understanding person, I seem to have forgotten to stick up for myself. I have become a weaker person in some ways but a much stronger person in many more.


This has not been oh so very easy but I have faith that I will be able to become more of a balanced person. Able to do right for others while also doing right for myself. Above all, have the ability and will to choose to be right to myself, even if I do not like it at the time. I must remember that it is the long run that counts not the sprint.

Well, here I go!

For years I have kept a journal to record important events in my life. Now, while visiting my sister and her growing family in Germany, I can enjoy looking back to the trip that Brandon and I took in 2009 for her wedding. Because of new social networking sites, I have been able to invite my friends and family deeper into these events. The ability to share photos and the stories that go along with them has always been something that I enjoy. Although, these social sites have become lack luster for me and a place that I have not felt comfortable just writing. I have contemplated this blogging thing for some time but until now I have not felt it necessary, emotionally, thus I did not entertain the thoughts. Today is a different story. I have so much to say and so much that I want to share. In these past two weeks alone, I feel that I have become a different person. A person who needs to do this blogging thing and post photos along with their stories and just share with the world. 

I am sitting on an air mattress with my net book on my lap. Apart from the air mattress, this is not a totally out of norm story for me. Add in the minor details that I am over 4,300 miles away and I came here alone, we have got ourselves a good book. 

Being so far away from home is something that I have done before and I am looking forward to doing again. Doing so alone? I would have never thought. Traveling alone is not something that I had ever wanted to do or even really thought about. I have my husband and we have been together for over five years. In my mind, had I ever gone on a trip, he would be traveling with me. Well, as life goes, plans do not always work out the way that we would like. Because of a new job and the impossibility of getting three weeks off, Brandon is at home with our animal family.

So, I am here. Not quite alone, but more on my own that I would have ever preferred before. Although, so has it, now that I am here and doing this, I can say that, yes, I do enjoy this traveling alone thing. Now, since I have yet to go out to the towns without at least my sister or brother-in-law, my feelings may change on Wednesday when I hoof it alone. I think that I will be able to hold my own well enough. Even though, a few S.O.S. messages may be sent out to friends that I have made here, as long as I remember to take my phone along with me. Ah, the security of that little bundle of technology.

Well, I suppose that I should get to the point of this blog then. 

Before I stepped foot away from Brandon, the comfort of home and my day to day life, friends, time zone, closet full of clothes that are weather permitting, black shoes, Coco hugs, Thor snuggles, and Ninja attacks, I was uncertain of my ability to stay happy while gone. So far, I have prevailed! I am rockin' and booty poppin'! Not every moment has been rainbows and giggles. Especially in the beginning and at some points during the night I get homesick even just a little bit. I am okay with this homesick thing though. It reminds me of how lucky I am to even have a home to get sick for! Having my moment of being homesick has also made me question what about home I missed. 

Well, after doing my thinking and figuring out how I felt about other people in my life and the situations that I am in, I got to thinking about me. Who I am, just me, no relationships outside of me involved. Do I like who I am? Am I happy with me? Would I be my friend? Would I be married to me? 

That round of thinking over, I decided that my answer to all of these questions was yes. With that, I also found that I can better myself in all of these areas. I can let myself really open up and drop the walls that I have even hid behind from myself. I am becoming more open to looking deep into myself and learning who I am and who I would like to be. Through this I am becoming much happier with who I am and who I am becoming. This goes along with who I am as a friend and a spouse.

I have known for some time that I tend to go along with the flow of the people around me because I do not want to rock the boat. In doing this I have hurt myself by adapting to others opinions, morals, beliefs, and actions. I have closed myself from my inner independence and in doing so I was becoming detached and unsure of myself.

Stepping away from my comforts and into doubt, nervousness, and an itching feeling to explore has taken a supporting beam out from my wall and it is coming down! I am allowing myself to do and feel things that I have either never done before or have not done in such a long time. I owe this awakening to my husband, my sister and her family, and mostly to myself. 

I don't want to allow myself to become homesick anymore. I am going to be happy with every minute that I stay away from those comforts because I know that they will be there for me. They will be waiting and they will be there for me as I will be there for them. Each of us with more days and knowledge under our belts. Most importantly I will not allow myself to become homesick because by being gone I am learning so much about myself and what I can do. When I go home I will not love the way that I loved when I left. I will love more. I will not feel the way that I had before. I will feel so much more and with all honesty with others and with myself. I have changed so much even in this short period of time and I am so excited to invite everyone into my new inception, my journey for inner independence!